Comfortably Uncomfortable

I first learned the phrase "lean into discomfort" while reading Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart (2021). (Great book! Highly recommend!) In class, we are learning how to create professional development that leads adult learners out of the comfort zone in learning something new. There is SO much that goes into taking the risk of trying something new.

It's important to "lean into discomfort of the work", as Brene Brown says. The whole idea of embracing discomfort is something that really needs to be coached into, as it's so tough! As a mom/educator/instructional coach I'm definitely not an expert in consistently allowing productive struggle, and have swooped in many times out of convenience and perceived necessity. (My heart!) However, when I have those moments of calm and clarity; I remember to provide a safe space to "lean into discomfort" and see them come out the other side, even more resilient.

I was sitting next to my younger elementary aged daughter, listening to her as she worked on some Language Arts homework. She was cruising along, really enjoying the article she was reading. She would share out little facts here and there, so you know she was comprehending and really starting to bring in outside connections. When she got to the comprehension questions at the end, she started struggling. She was getting frustrated. She was at the moment where she could give up or push through. She chose to push through and reached out for help. It turns out, the way the question was phrased didn’t make sense to her. We talked through what the question was asking and how to find that part back in the article. She navigated it, found the answer, and wrote it down and continued on with the rest of the questions.

That same night, my youngest son (who is neurodivergent) was also working through a task given to him, and finding it hard to do. (Pick up his toys… haha) He kept saying “I can’t do it” and “It’s too much”. My oldest son wanted to just rush to the rescue and do the task for him because it is faster and he would stop whining. However, I said “please don’t-he has to learn how to do this”. My oldest son looked at me horrified “Mom! I just want to help him!” Thankfully, he listened to me and we saw our youngest problem solve and get a bucket, put all his toys in the bucket, and place it back on the shelf.

I use these two illustrations to point out the fact that learning, and watching someone else learn something, IS uncomfortable. Our immediate reaction is to step in and help because oftentimes it’s easier. It’s easier to show the “tricks” or the “short cuts”. Often times it’s easier to go and just do for someone else who’s clearly struggling, but only in the short-term.

There is a very fine line between supporting someone through something that he/is is not capable of and enabling someone by doing something for them that he/she could and should be doing independently. A lot of first tries are emotionally charged because doing something new and combining skills together for the first time is often frustrating and messy. Yet, the more often you have the opportunity to practice using skills in certain ways, the smoother and faster it gets. I don't know why we think this whole process magically changes once we are adults.

For life-long learning to take place, you have to build up skills of resilience, problem-solving, grit, and “stick-to-it-ness” that often can only develop and be learned through experience. If you take the struggle experience away, the failures, mistakes, etc. those skills needed to learn something independently don’t get a chance to grow and develop at the same rate as other skills, so when left to attack tasks with increasing depth and complexity, there is a deficit that makes learning more challenging.

Would it have been easier for me to show my daughter where the answer was? Or even still tell her what the answer was? Absolutely. Was it hard for me as a mom watching my kids struggle trying to work through challenging tasks? Yes. However, I would’ve taken away a natural, logical opportunity for them to learn how to ask questions, how to look around for tools to help, etc. Most of all, I would’ve been preventing them from developing competence and confidence to work through challenging things independently, so that the next time an unknown phrase is encountered or another task seemed too big, they have the skills to use their knowledge and overcome the challenge. I pray each and every day that I'm allowing my children the opportunity to try new things and experience the "messiness" of new ideas, knowing they have a safety net of support and love surrounding them and cheering them on every step of the way.

When I'm working with others, that is also my approach: optimistic realism. I try keep it real, but then also let them know they've got this! We wouldn't be trying this out if they weren't ready yet, and they aren't trying it out alone. There is someone with them taking that first, messy, unknown step with them and sticking with them along the way, until they've forged that pathway through to the other side. That is the key to life-long learning; being confident in your abilities in order to use the knowledge and skills and other competencies you have developed, in order learn on your own.

https://youtu.be/NjmzYAKdCrY?si=mJ1NK16DleUsa-fQ

References

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart. Random House.

YouTube. (2016b). Innovation That Sticks Case Study - OCSB: Risk Taking. Innovation That Sticks Case Study - OCSB: Risk Taking. Retrieved November 5, 2023, from https://youtu.be/UAMcjUzdVnE.